I am writing a blog after ages. 

Things have changed and yet they seem to be the same. First and foremost thing is that UIRF II is over & so is my contract with Prayas. I worked on it for a year. And last few months were crazy hectic. But I enjoyed it immensely. I liked the work culture and people. Seema and Rupali became one of my favourites. Second important thing is that my passport is stamped with UK & Schengen Visa & I have travelled to Europe which tops everyone’s dream destinations. Third thing is my USA Visa is approved. So soon I will be off to USA which is another dream destination of everyone. 

And yet there is a disconnect which has been throughout. 

It’s a weird disconnect. In fact it is so weird that it is hard to capture in words. It seems as if I am chasing some dream destination called happiness and it’s constantly eluding me. So many times I have heard that happiness is not a destination, it’s a journey. And going a step further happiness is a decision.

There are moments of happiness definitely. They are like a spur of joy. For example when I finished all my final reports, cleared all my accounts with Prayas, bid a good bye for Europe and was coming home, I was extremely happy. There was a fountain of joy that was springing up from within. I was singing aloud on my bike. And that night when I and Girija went on a ride I just threw my head back and drank all the wind that I could. And when yesterday I met Dhanya, Pawan & Ashwini after a long time, we just laughed and laughed and laughed. After Ashwini & Pawan went I and Dhanya just roamed and roamed around deccan. After meeting all of them I felt so light headed. 

But I don’t know… this happiness is like a sign wave. It climbs… and then crashes only to go further deep than normal…. And what I am looking for is a deep layer of constant happiness which is not dependent on any external things…

I feel disconnected from myself… from my family… from most of my ‘normal’ friends…. There are now a very very few people and places that I feel comfortable with and connected with…. 

Why does this happen?? I wonder… I guess I need to learn to enjoy the ‘present moment’ whatever…