The Bubble

Before you read this post, I wish to put a disclaimer. This post is not about flaunting my identity. It is an effort to be free from it, at which I miserably fail most of the times.

The Bubble

Field work is such a humbling experience. 

Every time I have gone for field work, people have been exceptionally good to me. They have gone beyond their comfort zone to help me out. And apart from one or two small experiences I have never really come cross any ‘bad experience’ per say. 

But its like, there is a reason why people are so good to me. 

Whenever I go for field work, mostly for case studies, data collection, interviews of concerned activists, government officials etc. it is not just me, it is me with the baggage of all my different identities. And that is the game changer. Every single detail of my identity sets a very strong context for how I am treated. 

My first identity is that I am girl. And in our society there are some rules laid down for this gender. Normally I am not expected to roam all by myself, in remote areas, with unknown people, at wee hours etc etc. 

Secondly I am relatively young, and unmarried. Well, so, at this age my priority ‘has to be’ ‘marriage’.

Third my surname shows that I am upper caste girl.

Fourth- I am from a metro city like Pune.

Fifth- my clothes and accessories and gadgets show that I am from a well to do upper middle class family.

Sixth- My degree shows that I am a well-qualified professional.

The way I carry myself shows that I am used to roaming on my own.

And lastly I am a decent looking girl who can (to some extent) fit in conventional definitions of good looks ‘tall-fair-slim’. 

So well all of this combined together becomes a very strong ‘feminine factor’ which is both biological and cultural. And it sort of forms a bubble around me. All these small details of my identity- they contribute to this bubble. Wherever I go that bubble surrounds me. It is like a cage.

So when people talk to me, they aren’t actually talking to me. They talk to this bubble. And they are being nice to it. They smile. They are courteous. If I have luggage they pick it up. They offer me seat. And it is sort of a big drama. And inside that bubble I am ‘aware’ that it is not me that they are nice to. It is that bubble.

And this bubble has been responsible for so many diverse and interesting experiences. 

I remember when I first went to Aurangabad for field work with Pranjal we told rikshaw wala to drop at some decent hotel. So he took us to some decent hotel. There was a paan thela at the corner. Our rikshaw stopped. And we got down. The moment I stepped out, all the heads at the thela just swung. I could actually feel all the piercing looks! I don’t know if in Aurangabad people are not used an urban girl coming and staying in hotel. 

When I went to Latur for field work with Seema, we had to split as we had to cover large area for survey and it was just two of us. So I was roaming in some random lanes in Latur and there was a bunch of boys following me all the time. But other than passing comments they did no harm. After covering a few households I realized I had to meet the local corporator to understand the situation of water supply in that ward. So I was inquiring about location of his house. I asked a person for directions. It was 7 o'clock in the evening. He asked me some details of my work. Then he thought for a moment, looked at his watch and said “Madam don’t go right now. He will be drunk and might misbehave with you. It is safer to go tomorrow morning.” So I decided to skip the visit and continued with household surveys. By 7.30 it was dark and the area where I was, was far from the main road. With intent of covering a few more houses I knocked on a door. It was a family of three. Husband, wife who were in their late fifties and their son who was a college going guy. They were really impressed with our project and the fact that I came all the way from Pune and was surveying alone in Latur. But they immediately got so worried for my safety. They just told me very sternly that I better wind up and go back to hotel. They said that their area was not safe for a girl to roam like that. Realizing that I might face problem getting a rikshaw, they told their son to drop me to main road. And so I got a drop. 

When I used to go to Bhiwandi Municipal Corporation, I would often sit in water supply department. May be in some engineer’s cabin. The room would be jam packed with people, mostly men. And when I would enter the room and sit, they used to be visibly uncomfortable with my mere presence. And the funny thing was they never talked to me, if they wanted to ask me for tea, they would generally ask the other people “Order some tea for madam.” Then I would tell that I do not drink tea or coffee. Then they would again talk not to me but amongst them “Madam does not drink tea??”Then again I would answer that “No. I don’t.” Then they would talk to each other “Is madam from Pune?” Then I would answer “yes”. And this used to go on for quite a while. But Nobody will actually talk to ‘me’. 

When I went to Yawatmal just 2 days back to meet a bunch of people opposing lower Penganga project, they were so mighty impressed that I got a five star treatment. When the person I was coordinating with realized that I had no place to stay, he took me to his house. Made me meet his entire family. Told every possible person that “She is M.Tech. from Pune!! She is here to see the work of our committee”. His wife made elaborate diner. And though they were impressed, all of them repeatedly told me that social work and all is ok, but I should get married soon. And they were visibly upset when I told them my younger sister has married before me! 

When I had gone to meet a friend who stays in a remote village in Umarkhed tehsil of Yawatmal district, a bunch of ladies visited just to see who on earth has come from Pune. And when they came, I was (unfortunately) working on my laptop. After that they discussed at length how brave I was to come and do such work etc etc. And when I was on the way to Umarkhed from Nagpur, the guy sitting next to me in the bus became an instant fan. He started conversing by asking where am I coming from. Then asked for my education, family, why I was going to Umarkhed. He then went on bla-bla about how impressed he was with my work. I could see that he is just flirting. Then he asked me to show my palm and told me some random things about my nature and future. And then told me that lines on my palm were very nice!!I had a bright future!

Are you thinking I am glorifying myself?? NO. Absolutely not. Rather I want to say exactly the opposite. I am trying to detach myself from all this and look at it very objectively. And I clearly see how unfair it is on so many levels. I mean, instead of me if there was some guy from some small village, will he be treated equally ceremoniously? I don’t think so. Most definitely not. When people are exaggeratedly nice to me, it is not even amusing. It is annoying and thought provoking at the same time. 

Fun part about the bubble around me is that everyone perceives it differently and then accordingly behaves with me. Some people are impressed, some just plain disapprove. So many of my distant relatives have this silent disapproval for my work, my values, my principles. Because I do not fit in their set of expectations of a ‘girl from a good family’ whatever. One of my grandmother calls me ‘bandit queen’ because I make frequent trips to Gadchiroli area which is naxal affected.

But in all these cases they do not really see me, reach me. They deal only with the bubble.

It is sort of suffocating.